What busy travelers can do to keep the home fires burning.

by Leah Ingram
Winter 2004


Ellen Slaby and her husband, Bruce Richardson, have been a couple for 23 years. In that time, Bruce, an analyst for a research firm in Boston, has always traveled. “It’s been a part of the fabric of our relationship forever,” says Ellen, director of media and events for a software developer in Lexington, Mass. To make their relationship work, Bruce and Ellen, who do not have children, have clearly defined expectations and responsibilities for their home life.

For example, Ellen oversees the “physical” stuff for the home, such as dealing with contractors or the lawn service, simply because she’s around more. Bruce’s job is to handle “behind the scenes” items, such as paying the bills. In addition, Bruce
has agreed not to have many business trips begin on Sundays, and both Ellen and Bruce take summer Fridays off so they can travel together to their second home on Cape Cod.

This arrangement helps them avoid any resentment or anger that couples can feel when one of them travels a lot, which is a frequent occurrence, says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle and relationship expert for PerfectMatch.com.

“It’s either loneliness [that causes anger], or it might be being overburdened, because one person is gone a lot and then everything falls on the other person’s shoulders,” Dr. Schwartz says.

One of the reasons Ellen and Bruce’s arrangement works well for them is because they went into their marriage knowing that Bruce was going to be a heavy business traveler. The trouble starts, says Joshua Estrin, a psychotherapist in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., when the rules or expectations change along the way. “You married someone in middle management who didn’t travel, and then they go into upper management and start traveling,” says Estrin, who is also president of Concepts in Success, a consulting firm in both personal and professional development.

This is exactly what happened to the Miller family in Pasadena, Calif. After marrying in 1990, Eric would travel sporadically for his employer, a public relations firm. Then, in 1996, he was promoted. “The good news was I’d been promoted to overseeing the Bay Area office,” recalls Eric, 42. “The bad news was that I may never see my family again.”

Eric started traveling to San Francisco three days a week, and then to Chicago and New York on a regular basis. His wife, Leslie, 43, a personal chef, found that change difficult. “It meant that I was ‘on’ constantly,” says the mother of Zoë, 10, and Grace, 6. “Plus the kids missed him a lot.”

One of the ways that Eric and Leslie helped their older daughter feel more connected to her dad was to have her join him on some of his travels. “I took her to San Francisco for the day and showed her my usual haunts-the office, the restaurants I eat at, the hotel where I stay-and it gave her a much better sense of what I do while I’m gone.”

Eric recently repeated that trip with Zoë to New York City. “She was fascinated by taxi rides,” he says. The trip also helped Zoë become a little more understanding of her father and how beat he can be after traveling so much. “I don’t think she’d realized until she’d experienced it herself that the travel process was frankly a little tiring.” Eric plans to repeat these trips with Grace when she’s older.

Even with threats of terrorism, travel continues to be a big part of doing business in the global economy. A recent survey from Catalyst, Inc., a New York City-based organization that studies women in the workplace, showed that men and women who travel for their job work tremendously long hours-about 58.5 hours each week. In addition, they spend many nights away from home each month-about 7.4 for men and 6.6 for women. Finding a work/life balance is especially critical for maintaining relationships when children are involved. According to the same Catalyst survey, 56 percent of female and 71 percent of male business travelers have children under 19 living at home.

If you find yourself living the life of a road warrior, here are some ways that
you can remain connected to your family at home and help your spouse feel
less burdened:

Use technology to your advantage

Email has been a saving grace for Ellen Slaby. “We do a lot of planning via email, such as what our weekend plans are going to be,” she says. That way, when Bruce is back in town, he’s up to speed on what’s going on.

“I think technology is so wonderful,” says psychotherapist Estrin. “In so many other instances, technology dehumanizes us, but it’s become a wonderful way to keep couples and families connected.”

The D’Amico family in San Diego has found an ingenious way to use technology to their advantage-they’ll put Dad on speaker phone when the family sits down to dinner. That way, no matter where in the world Dominic, an airline pilot, is, he can share a meal with his wife and kids. Also, Dominic and Christine, both 39, plan ahead for when they’re going to talk by phone. That way, she always knows when she’s going to hear from him.

Find resources that work for you

With the at-home spouse alone a lot of the time, he or she can start to feel like a single parent. That’s why it’s important to find resources and services that help out.

Leslie Miller has a group of friends who also have spouses that travel, and they’ve formed their own ad hoc support network. “If I get sick when Eric’s gone, I call in my friends,” she says. In addition, Leslie makes plans to have dinner with nearby family members at least one night each week. “It breaks up the week and makes it so
I don’t feel like I’m home alone with the kids every single night,” she adds.

Not only does Ellen Slaby count on friends to take Bruce’s tickets to the Red Sox or Boston Ballet, both of which the family has season tickets to, but she also outsources many household tasks that she simply does not want to be burdened with. This includes hiring a housekeeper, having her dry cleaning picked up and delivered, and bringing in someone to plow the driveway of her Brookline home during the winter. Leslie Miller also has a cleaning service. Christine D’Amico finds it easier if she doesn’t put too much pressure on herself to make home-cooked meals every night. So, she’s accepted that her children will survive on leftovers and cereal for dinner from time to time.

Define family time when everyone’s home

Beyond household chores, it’s critical for spouses to set aside time to be together when they’re finally home. For example, Leslie Miller makes sure that she runs all the errands that need to be done before Eric gets home, so they have more free time.

“The downside of a husband traveling all the time is his idea of relaxing fun when he’s back is staying at home,” says Leslie Miller. “But he’s been out to dinner every night, and now I want to go out to dinner.” So, even though Eric might be tired, he and Leslie will book a babysitter and go out to eat, or they’ll take the kids with them to the restaurant.

The bottom line is for the family to be “excited about their being a unique couple,” says Estrin, and finding out what works to remain a family. Also, it’s important to remember that relationships are an imperfect science, he says, and yours may have to be a work in progress as you adapt to your spouse’s travel schedule. If something isn’t working, change it.

You should also find comfort in knowing that the old adage, “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” really is true. Says Leslie Miller, “If you haven’t seen each other all week, you really are happier to see each other on the weekend.”

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Leah Ingram is a freelance writer in eastern Pennsylvania. Email Leah at editor@executivetravelmag.com.