Getting to know your neighbors can take the awkwardness out of a long flight.

WHEN I TRAVEL BY AIR, I HAVE LOTS OF CHOICES. I can choose from among three nearby departure airports, I can choose from a variety of airlines, I can choose from a range of fares, I can choose a time to depart and a time to arrive, I can choose my seat and sometimes I can even choose an in-flight meal. When it comes to traveling by air, there are many choices available to me.

What I can’t choose, however, is the one thing that can make my flight a real pleasure or a real pain: my seatmate. As I’ve reported in this column, I’ve been seated next to some intriguing people with fascinating stories to tell: a Nevada gold miner, an Antarctic biologist, even an Iowa meat processor—not to mention (and I don’t to my wife) a Las Vegas exotic dancer. On the other hand, I’ve also been seated next to my share of insufferable passengers, the kind whose company I could hardly wait to escape.

Mostly, though, I find that I sit next to people with whom I trade little more than a nod and a “Hi.” There we sit for hours like two bumps, not exchanging so much as a single thought. I often wonder if my silent companion could be a fascinating storyteller on a round-the-world adventure or a food critic who could recommend a fabulous restaurant at my destination or a corporate kahuna with whom I might land a giant consulting contract. At the same time, I fear that he or she could be the starring character in a future column here, entitled “My worst flight nightmare.”

So, how should I go about striking up a conversation with a seatmate? Even more important, how do I terminate a conversation with a neighbor who is prattling on about his gifted child, his recent operation or his newfound religion?

For advice, I turned to Don Gabor (www.dongabor.com), a communications trainer and author of How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends. To initiate a conversation, he suggests the following:

Get in the right frame of mind. Consider it an opportunity to be seated next to a stranger for a protracted period. You could have a pleasant conversation that makes the time pass quickly. Heck, you could even cook up a business deal.

Show your willingness to talk. A few words of acknowledgement such as, “Hello, how are you this morning?” demonstrate that you are open to conversation.

Provide an opening for the other person. Ask something such as, “Are you traveling for pleasure or business?” A curt response and a shift in gaze away from you is a pretty good sign that the person doesn’t want to talk. On the other hand, says Gabor, an answer that includes details or one that is followed up with a question is a sign that your companion may welcome some conversation.

Look for an opportunity to intervene. Respect your seatmate’s privacy, but when there is an opportunity, ask an inviting question regarding something about the person you’ve noticed, such as, “How do you like that book?” Just as you can start a conversation without seeming nosy, you can also terminate one without appearing rude. Gabor recommends a three-step approach.

1. Summarize what you heard. Restate what the person has beentelling you so he knows you have been listening.
2. Frame a closing statement. Insert a statement that makes it clear that you are terminating the conversation.
3. Excuse yourself. Add a simple phrase that allows you to back out of the conversation gently without simply cutting it off.

Run these last steps together, and your termination pitch might sound like this: “You must be very proud of Betty Sue, placing third in the junior cow-chip tossing contest at the county fair and all. I wish I could hear more about it, but I’ve got some work I’ve got to finish before we land. So, if you’ll excuse me….”

These tips can’t help you choose a seatmate, but once seated, you’ll be able to choose to chat or not. Oh, and if you find yourself sitting next to me, just nod and say, “Hi.” I’d love to tell you about my operation.

_____________________________________________ terry riley is a psychologist (appliedpsychology.com) and internationally recognized authority on understanding, managing and influencing business travel behavior. His is also the author of Travel Can be Murder, C.H.A.R.M. School and The Complete Travel Diet. Email Terry at editor@executivetravelmag.com.