ONE OF MY MOST SUCCESSFUL CONSULTING JOBS resulted from a casual conversation with a fellow attendee at a reception following a conference. What began as an informal chat led to a project that reduced her company's risk, earned me some dough and left both of us feeling good about what we had achieved--the best possible business relationship.

Of note here is that this project did not come about as a result of a "sales call," a "capabilities presentation" or a "request for proposal." It came from a simple chat. Indeed, seeds that grow into successful business relationships are often sown in informal conversation. The technical term to describe this process is "schmoozing."

Schmoozing is both a talent and a skill. For some, it comes naturally; for others, it must be learned. If you fall into this second group, I've assembled some ground rules for successful schmoozing--the rest of you can consider this a primer.

Open up.

Before you say your first word, your presence signals your attitude. Arch Lustberg, author of How to Sell Yourself, says, "Because your expression arrives before you do, you should 'open your face.' Smile, elevate your eyebrows and display an 'I care' expression."

Focus.

The fundamental rule of schmoozing is that it is not about you. It's about the other person. This is rarely a problem, because, unless you happen to be talking with someone enrolled in the FBI's witness protection program, it's a pretty sure bet that the other person's favorite topic of conversation is himself.

The simple truth that people love to talk about themselves relieves you of the responsibility of carrying the conversation, and it gives you a hint of how to initiate it: Ask about the other person. For example, "What brings you to this conference?" "Did you travel far to get here?" "Have you been to one of these conferences before?"

Listen.

Because of its focus--the other person--schmoozing is more about listening than talking. It's about hearing what the other person has to say, then clearing a path for him to continue the conversation.

For instance, when she shows you picture of her children, don't immediately reach for your wallet to show her pictures of yours. That would shift the topic from her to you. Instead, follow up with questions such as, "How old are they?" or "What grades are they in?" Keep the interest focused on the other person while you guide the direction of the conversation.

Direct.

Susan Harrow, author of Sell Yourself Without Selling Your Soul, notes that paying attention to where the conversation is heading is crucial. Harrow suggest, "Use open-ended questions to move from small talk to dialogue that gets to a deeper level. And be prepared to back up and change direction if the conversation is headed toward a sensitive area or moving away from topics in which you are more comfortable."

Steer clear.

Be sure to steer clear of sensitive emotional, controversial and personal topics. Stay away from any political, religious or sexual subject matter. And be careful about the use of humor. What might be hilarious back in the office can fall flat in other venues. Worse yet, it could be embarrassing or offensive.

Enjoy.

Finally, there is the question, "Isn't schmoozing just manipulating people?" Aye Jaye, author of The Golden Rule of Schmoozing, says that people often raise this question, and his response is always the same: a resolute "No."

"It's a compliment to people that you'll take the time and make the effort to talk with them," says Jaye. "You can see it in their faces, hear it in their voices and when you leave, both of you feel better. How can that be bad?"

It can't, and it's been my experience that business transactions established by a pleasant conversation that reveals similar attitudes, common interests and friendships are much more likely to result in a success for both parties than interaction based only on strict specifications, fragile timetables and legal contracts. Schmoozing can help you find the right ingredients.

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terry riley is a psychologist (appliedpsychology.com) and internationally recognized authority on understanding, managing and influencing business travel behavior. His is also the author of Travel Can be Murder, C.H.A.R.M. School and The Complete Travel Diet. Email Terry at editor@executivetravelmag.com.